Feb 11, 2013 10:00am PST
the whole time. i think the jackson family works for the government. that's my new theory, i think every time the government needs a distraction they call up the jackson's. "yeah, hello janet, "we're gonna need you to whip out a titty at the superbowl. "yeah. yeah. and tell michael to schedule a sleepover asap, operation 'beat it' is in effect." but let's not lose sight of the real tragedy here which is that michael jackson's music kind of sucks now. i think we'd all be willing to sacrifice a couple kids - for another billy jean. - [audience groans] hey, at this point i'd be willing to look the other way for a pyt. greatness has its price. thanks a lot guys. you've been great. have a great night. [cheers, whistles & applause] captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services www.mccaption.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. man, do we ha
Feb 13, 2013 11:00pm PST
with the government, through laws, initiative and administrative acts. >> no laws, no initiatives, no administrative acts will perfectly solve all the challenges i've outlined tonight. but we were never sent here to be perfect. >> jon: you are (bleep) killing me. you are killing me! no one is expecting perfection just, you know, expecting that through coordinating effort we can lower the unsafe bridge count in this country. [ laughter ] to four figure territory. 9,000, 8,000. i get we're not perfect. how do we start? >> every day we should ask ourselves three questions as a nation. >> jon: all right, let me try. stop me if you've heard this one before. which of the 70,000 bridges are near my house? [laughter] number two, are the tunnels okay? [laughter] and number three, how did he meet their mother because if it's something like in a bar or on a j-date i'm going be ano, id because i put eight years into this (bleep). if they come out with i woke up and there she was, no. so -- my lips are just so -- it's so hot in here. i'm sweating and eating saltines. you would think as a veteran of television pr
Feb 11, 2013 7:25pm PST
. >> today as cnn tried to cover the news about the hacking story, the chinese government blacked out the story. >> china is literally watching cnn on air with the finger on a button >> jon: that's not just the chinese. that's pretty much how we all watch cnn. >> i'm wolf blitzer. you're in the... >> jon: (jon hits button). ( cheers and applause ) i have to say, china, i'm not feeling that threatened. maybe iran could pick up the slack. >> now the greatest achievements of iran's space program to date, the islamic republic enters a monkey into space and recovers his safely. >> jon: or you could shoot a monkey into space. no one was more excited about this than the monkey himself. seen here doing his impression of hans solo in carbonite. iran, you think the c.i.a.... you just got pita on your [bleep]. that guys don't [bleep] around. not for nothing. a little propaganda advice. you can't brag to us. we did that 50 years ago. we had been launching space monkeys before you had us overthrow your democratically elected government. i'm sorry. it was eisenhower's idea. what's next, iran? >> th
Feb 11, 2013 11:00pm PST
? >> the class is reportedly government 1310 introduction to congress. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i rescind the question. i completely get why harvard is number one. those kids are going to do great. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. the anchor of abc's "good morning, america" and this week' george stephanapolous. please welcome back to the program, george stephanapolous. come on! ( cheers and applause ) >> how are you jon: i'm great. how are you? nice to see you again >> good to see you. i wish i could talk to my correspondents the way you talk to yours >> jon: don't you wish you could also have the travel budget that we have for our correspondents? wouldn't that be something. >> it would be jon: do you guys... it is a curious thing. when you're not on tv, do you guys curse at each other? like is it playful? is it dirty? is it profane? >> all of the above jon: what's the vibe behind the scenes? >> pretty friendly actually. jon: is it competitive? i get the sense sometimes with network shows there's a certain like we saw this whole thing... are you familiar with the today show?